Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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