I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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