so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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