i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
