Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
