went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
