I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
