Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
