It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
