Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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