dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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