ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
