I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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