Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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