I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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