Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
