So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
