Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
