cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
