My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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