Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
