trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
