Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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