anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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