two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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