I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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