Dude my mom stole all your condoms
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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