do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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