She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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