wrigley field is MILF paradise
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
