This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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