god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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