fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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