I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
