I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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