Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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