shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
