I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
