How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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