every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
