The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
