HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
