i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I love having hate sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
