It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just pee around me
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize