I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
