If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
