Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
