I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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