True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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