would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
