I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
