Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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