I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
