So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
