He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
