I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
