So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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