There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
