Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
